The Absence of Fear
by Serronas
Summary: Peace was a relative concept. Where the moon brought quiet silver tidings and soft light as not to disrupt those warm in their beds, there were those who's minds were at a perpetual unrest. Eddward was among those. (Oneshot - Warnings for suggested Gore) (Rev!KevEdd)


The Absence of Fear

By Edelitz

The sun had long since set on the quiet little town of Peach Creek, the street lights offering their glow to those who might still be wandering about while the rest of the world seemed happily enveloped in soft linens. The sky was crystal clear with a broad view of the stars above and the air was crisp and cool while fall leaves rattled within the trees before drifting down like a prequel to the winter snowfall. The world was long at peace.

Yet peace was a relative concept. Where the moon brought quiet silver tidings and soft light as not to disrupt those warm in their beds, there were those who's minds were at a perpetual unrest.

Eddward was among those.

He should have been in bed over four hours ago and yet he had awoken in a cold sweat from vivid nightmares of what the following day might bring. Thoughts of needles and blood, fear of how his reaction would affect how others viewed him. He was not one who needed the affirmation of those around him however he was a bully and he enjoyed the liberties that brought forth and yet if they were to know…

The front door of his house opened with a quiet creak and closed behind him with a soft click. The fresh air would do him a world of good and what the pleasant night did not cure then surely the pack in his hand would. The swimmer quietly made his way over to the chair on the porch and settled down into it before taking a long, deep breath to quell the discomfort in his stomach.

As he had suspected his mind began to clear but the buzzing anxiety in his body persisted with an annoying discomfort. He was cold and it had nothing to do with the night air, and he was fully dressed in his jacket and jeans, there was no reason for the cold. Yet still his heart raced and even without the physical stimulation to create it his fight or flight reflexes were running wild. He could literally feel his blood pressure spiking and dropping and if it kept up he would be held in a full blown anxiety attack within minutes.

He already felt the cold emptiness of fear in his stomach.

Hands grappled for the plastic pack in his lap and he tapped the carton on the heel of his palm before he popped it open and pulled out a fresh cigarette. It was a terrible habit and one that he was not proud to indulge in, and yet he allowed himself this one awful vice because he had convinced himself that there were so many worse ones out there.

A lighter was extracted from his jeans pocket with shaking hands and fumbled with it for a moment as he struggled to get it to light. Finally there was a familiar snick before a little golden flame stood before him. He held it to the end of the cigarette and took a deep, grateful drag. The smoke filled his lungs and the tip lit up cherry red and for a brief moment the whole world seemed to slow down. Nicotine entered his veins to combat the oncoming anxiety attack and after a few more long draws the drug won over and left Eddward finally able to relax into his chair.

"I didn't know you smoke…"

Eddward nearly jumped at the unexpected voice. His eyes flew open and landed on a figure who stood at the bottom of the steps leading up to his porch. The moonlight cast soft silver lines on Kevin's frame, keeping him both hidden and visible at the same time. Eddward could tell he was missing his usual Quiz Bowl hat and argyle sweater, instead draped in a loose fitting wife beater and sweat pants.

The swimmer tucked the filter of the cigarette into the gap in his teeth as he found it quite convenient for smoking, "I was not aware that you had taken up stalking, Pumpkin." Edd hissed in a low voice.

"I was bringing Molly in from her walk and I saw you sitting out here alone." He confessed and stepped up onto the porch before leaning on the support beam, "Those will kill you, you know."

"The information will be noted." Eddward retorted calmly as he settled back into his chair and hoped that his dear 'Pumpkin' would take the hint to leave. Of course he did not…

The ginger made his way over and sat in the open chair beside Edd, "What's on your mind?"

Eddward took a long drag again and idly chewed on the end of the cigarette and blew out the smoke from his nose. There were a mixture of emotions whirling around in his chest all slightly numbed by the nicotine working through his system. He regarded Kevin with a careful gaze as he tried to discern the look on his face, "Why do you care?"

Eddward and Kevin had a history. One that involved lips and teeth and biting words, one that involved bullying and apologies whispered behind closed doors. Even Edd had known it was not a healthy relationship for either of them, if one could even call it a relationship. In the end it had been Kevin who had ended it, putting a firm foot down and making the swimmer choose.

Eddward had chosen wrong. He knew that then and he knew it now.

"Why wouldn't I care, Edd?" he asked with a sigh, "I know you better than anyone, even Marie."

Edd bit down hard enough that the stalk of the cigarette broke and he ended up spitting it out and snuffing it beneath his boot, "Well obviously you do not know me so well as you think." He punctuated this by pulling out another cancer stick.

Kevin reached out to pick up the box and invited himself to take one out for himself, reaching a hand out for Edd's lighter.

"What do you think you are doing?" the swimmer asked venomously.

"If you're gonna smoke then so will I. Peer pressure and all that crap so pass the lighter." Kevin was being stubborn and it created a tightening feeling in Edd's chest from the familiarity.

He sighed, "No." He said firmly.

Kevin leaned over close to Edd as the swimmer took a deep inhale. The end glowed that familiar cherry red and Kevin pressed the tip of his cigarette to Edd's before inhaling and leaning back.

"Your stubbornness…"

"Turns you on, trust me I know." Kevin chuckled, "Now answer me Edd, what's wrong?"

The man sighed out a puff of smoke, "Tomorrow is the blood drive." He admitted coldly.

Kevin raised a brow, "So?"

"So, I am terrified of needles." Edd turned his head away to make sure Kevin couldn't see his face, nor the shame upon it. "As a child growing up with two parents who are surgeons I was poked and prodded for every small ailment I possessed. The worst was when they made me give bone marrow…" He swallowed hard and shifted, his hand going to his hip as he remembered the agony.

He could hear the kiss from Kevin's surprise. "Shit, that sucks."

"Language, Pumpkin." Eddward admonished.

"Shit, fuck, piss bloody hell Edd when are you gonna learn that I'm not scared of you anymore?" Kevin blew a long trail of smoke into the swimmer's ear which made the man wince.

Edd growled and picked up his box of cigarettes before standing, "Have a nice night Kevin." He sneered as he went for the door.

"So you're gonna run away?"

"I do not have to sit here and be insulted." Edd had his hand on the door and frowned, "It is bad enough that I am unable to sleep, I will not have you adding to my annoyances!"

Kevin and Edd were silent for a long moment, both of them still. Edd had yet to retreat into his home. Finally Kevin broke, "Come here, sit down." There was a tone in his voice Edd recognized, a command that was reserved only for Edd because Kevin knew that the swimmer could not ignore it.

True to this, Edd let his hand fall from the door knob and walked back to the seat. His shoulders were slumped and his footsteps were heavy in a sort of defeat that only Kevin got to see. The ginger reached out and plucked the cigarette from Edd's lips and snuffed both the swimmer's and his own. He then took the box and held it up, "When did this start?"

Edd turned his eyes away and refused to answer. Suddenly Kevin moved and settled himself to straddle Edd's lap in the most aggravatingly nonsexual way, and used his new vantage point to reiterate his point, "Eddward, when did this start?"

Finally he looked up at Kevin and frowned, "About three months ago."

Kevin sighed, "So right after we…"

"We were never together Kevin, you made sure of that." Eddward stated firmly then sighed, "But yes. Right after we ended our…whatever we would call it."

Kevin twisted some and threw the carton into the bushes then looked back at the annoyed swimmer, "Now tell me why the great Eddward Vincent is scared of having his blood drawn. You of all people should know that it's a small needle, you don't even have to look at it. Hell, you don't even have to give blood if you don't want to Edd."

"But I do. They made it so that the captain of the various sports teams have to donate blood to boost morale. Certainly I could back out of this if I really wished, however what good would that do me? Everyone would see me for a coward and over something so seemingly simple." His hands, unsure of what to do or where to be settled hesitantly on Kevin's waist, a familiar place that felt good to hold again. A small comfort in place of his discarded cigarettes.

Kevin allowed this, though he eyed Edd warily. He had made it clear that whatever they'd had could not begin again, no matter how much they both wanted it. No matter the fact that he could even see it in Kevin's face and the sheer fact that he was trying to comfort the swimmer at that moment.

"What are you scared of Edd? Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

Edd frowned as images from his nightmare came flooding back to the forefront of his mind. A wave of fear coursed through him and he held tight to Kevin to keep from being washed away. "It is not just needles. All medical procedures. My parents would tell me stories about people who would wake up during surgeries and I would lay awake at night and imagine what it must be like to be under my father's knife, forced into paralyzed silence as I felt him cut into me…felt his fingers in me…" He was numbly aware of Kevin's hand holding his face, however Edd's panic was spiking into cold dread, "Drawing my blood through an empty tube, draining me dry…" He trembled as his heart rate picked up.

"EDD!" Kevin jerked Edd's head and forced him to snap out of his daydreams and back into reality.

Fight or flight instinct kicked into effect as Edd's panic and anxiety coalesced. He let out a yelp of fear and shoved Kevin's body off of his own. The smaller fell back and landed with a thud and a cry of pain and Edd stood and scrambled away because the world was suddenly confining. Arms curled over his head and he sank down to his knees and trembled softly.

Kevin pulled himself up and looked over at Edd, then pulled himself in close. The swimmer flinched away from the first touch, "Edd, hey… Edd look at me," he tried again, fingers trying to gently pull the man's face up to look into his own. Edd's sapphire gaze, normally so full of dominance and mocking amusement, was glazed and distant with irrationality and terror and his skin was shockingly pale. Kevin pulled himself closer inch by inch, treating his old bully like a frightened deer ready to flee.

Their kiss was tentative, the gentlest brush of lips that couldn't even be called a kiss. Eddward and Kevin held one another's gaze as a whole conversation played out in utter silence, serenaded by the warble of crickets in the distance. Another ghost of a kiss was shared, both of them wanting and yet both of them fearful for all that the kiss could bring back.

Kevin smiled and though Edd couldn't see it he could feel it against his lips, "Remember when Rolf took us horseback riding?" he asked in a voice that was just barely a whisper, "I didn't want to admit that I was afraid of horses and so we rode together, and you held my hand?"

Foreheads pressed together and there was a motionless nod, "Yes." Edd whispered.

"I never stopped being scared of them," he murmured and shifted, reaching out to pull Edd's arms around his shoulders which brought them closer together, "But I couldn't be scared when I had you there with me. Edd, I can't hold your hand while you're doing this tomorrow. But I will be there for you. Just look to me and know, have faith, that I won't let anything bad happen to you ok?"

For a long moment they were silent. Edd was still trying to regain control of his runaway heart yet he was certain that it had little to do with his phobia and more to do with the redhead in his arms.

He slowly tightened his hold and let his head drift down to rest on Kevin's shoulder. He then moved and slid one hand up Kevin's arm, coaxing it down from his own shoulder until their hands touched and fingers laced together like a comfortable memory. "Kevin…" he murmured.

"I know…" the ginger returned, "I do too."

Edd sighed. The words were still unspoken, swallowed in the silence of the peaceful night.

Finally after a while Kevin sighed, "We both need to get some sleep." He said and it was obvious that this thought upset him, "Are you going to be ok?"

Edd figured that he would be, because Kevin's scent was enough to help him sleep peacefully through any mental strife, and yet… "I likely will not sleep tonight." He lied, "I never do the night before anything like this."

Kevin slowly drew away and looked into Edd's somber eyes, then he sighed heavily through his nose. "Would you like me to stay with you tonight?"

"Only if…you're alright with it." He feigned concern.

The ginger gave the man a half-grin and a knowing look, "Enough with the shark tears." He slowly stood up and lightly pulled on their joined hands. Edd stood and let Kevin lead them inside.

That night they slept in one another's embrace for the first time in three months, both of them knowing that the reason was fragile and neither wanting to break the illusion. Eddward was freed from his nightmares and woke groggy, but happy when he looked over and saw the freckled face of his Pumpkin still in his embrace.

Whether it was the last time or there would be a thousand more mornings like this he would carry it happily to fight the demons and phobias that plagued him.


End file.
